Insert Chocolate: Here

It’s a funny thing to miss, in the grand old scheme of things. I’ve left behind Queen, country, family, friends, memories, habits, culture, comedy… you name it, it’s back where I came from. But the human mind being a caring sort of sod – and greedy, in my case – it has chosen to focus its cravings on an arguably nonessential item: chocolate.

In England, chocolate is something we do with finesse. Aware that we are surrounded by countries with equal cocoa-based vigour (Switzerland and Belgium being, in my mind, lands entirely woven from strands of praline), we have absorbed the best of the best and created an empire of sugary wonder. We boast a chocolate treat for any kind of mood; a Curly Wurly for mischievous tendencies, a Cadbury’s Flake for sitting in a bath being sexy. We are replete with chocolatey options, to the extent that no one corner shop can stock them all.

I don’t really understand the confectionery aisles here yet. I am also highly suspicious of the cocoa content, having been pre-warned that chocolate just isn’t the same. It’s not. Or, well, it might be, but I have yet to decipher the wrappings. And there certainly isn’t a Thornton’s in our local town. I’ve located a Twix, but I never much liked those anyway.

What I would particularly like to get my sticky hands on is a Double Decker, or perhaps a Crunchie. I’d settle for a Yorkie Gold, or a Kit Kat Chunky, or, if pushed, a Galaxy Caramel. The choices over here seem more limited: if the warnings were correct, this would make sense. If they were not, then I need to do a more thorough job of choccie recon.

My saving grace: Milk Duds. My mum’s favourite treats, when I was little, were Chewing Nuts measured from the jar. Anyone else remember those? They were chewy, but inexplicably contained no nuts: instead, they had a defiant toffee centre that took several hours to gnaw through. Milk Duds are the Chewing Nut that a person with dentures would choose. They take a while to process, neither the chocolate nor the toffee alert my fine chocolatier’s senses and they come in a box somewhere between the British sizes more appropriately labelled as: “too small to bother” and “too big to explain away”.

I once scoffed seven Toffee Crisps in less than an hour and suffered no ill effects. I am able to produce testimony to this effect (assuming Jo remembers that fateful afternoon in Poole bus station). Milk Duds will tame the beast temporarily, but if I don’t get my hands on a box of Cadbury’s Roses or a bag of Minstrels soon, it’s possible I will enter meltdown.


3 responses to “Insert Chocolate: Here

  • Jo Muscat

    I can indeed testify that the toffee crisp incident occured, however I cannot remember what my chocolate of choice was, so many I like! It may have been Dime bars (or Daim as they are now spelt!) as I remember us thinking we were hugely entertaining yelling out ‘Armadillos’ at the unsuspecting public! Just to make you jealous my hubby returned this morning with a box (and I am talking a box that is bigger than 5 reams of paper) filled with goodies from the Cadbury shop…..48 crunchies, 48 caramel chews, picnics, curly wurlys, dairymilk, heroes, roses…I shall refrain from making your mouth water more! That is the perk of having a 13 year old playing for Cadburys under 14’s football club! However not great for helping shift the baby weight!

  • Kelli

    While not a big chocolate fan (I know, I know, don’t hate me), I miss the culture of chocolate bar lovers. No one looked at the chocolate scoffer sideways if he or she ate a chocolate bar – or two – everyday. Everyone was in it together! Blitz spirit!

    I say, take the route of experimentation and just try them all (except Hershey bars; you know of what I speak). Start with Milky Way Midnight, Snickers Dark, and Whatchamacallits. If you can’t find these, or the experiment goes awry (ie you hate them all and start thinking about booking a plane back to Blighty), there is always Amazon to save you: 6 pack of Flakes for less than $6.

  • WillowC

    FLAKES! I love Flakes! Kelli, you are what can only be described as a genius. I may start a squirrel stash. I quite like Milky Ways, haven’t seen a Snickers Dark anywhere yet, and Whatchamacallits are on the To Do list. I shall trust your genius self and get one today!

    It was Dime bars! I remember clear as day – back and forth we went to the newsagents on the corner feeling very proud of ourselves for the achievement of greed! Remember also that toffee we had when we watched Terminator? It took literally all afternoon to eat. And when we’d nip to the shops for about 6 chocolate bars (including those wicked Minstrel thingies that were dark shell/white choc and white shell/dark choc) and then spend all afternoon playing Streets of Rage. Thinking about it, one could probably say I have already exhausted my lifetime’s quota of choclit. I am, however, extremely jealous of the box o’ chocs. I could always email you a postage label and some stamps… I’m all about helping shift the baby weight, me, this is a totally altruistic suggestion. No, really.

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